Running away

I'm not sure what to do. I feel *this* close to running away into he canyon, just being alone. I'm just done with all this crap of these people, all their lies. I'm tied of myself, tired of school. I mean it's so terrible how school has become a depressing place. I cut. My best guy friend cuts. Some of my other friends do, too. None of them know that I do though. None of them really care about me. 

     I packed my bag today. All it needs is a flashlight and food and it's complete. I have money, clothes, a headlight, a blanket, a stuffed animal, a journal, and pens. I don't think I'm going to actually take my bag and go, but for some reason packing it helped me a bit. 

    I almost felt the canyon lour me in tonight. I was going to my friends house but I walked in the canyon. I stopped after a while and looked around. "This could be it," I said to myself. "No". 

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder. What did I do wrong? I might not understand for a while. But then mind tells me, "everything". I did it all wrong. I want to start over. I want to be closer to my sisters, my parents, I wish I had real friends that could see under my bracelets as my smiles, someone that understands me. I want the scars to go away before people will see my insecurities as they're left on my arm and leg. I want to be smart, I want to be pretty. I wish I never quit softball. I want to be happy. I want to be optimistic and shiny. I want to be the girl that everyone wants to be, I want to be inspirational. I was to make the world have a new perspective. 

I want to change. 

Have to watch this

This had made me cry endlessly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

I wasn't crying just because I wouldn't see sarah for a long time. I was cryin because seeing someone like her cry like that breaks my heart. I was crying because I had been holding it back for days, weeks, months. I was crying because Jeffrey would never like me. I was crying because Alanna is always so much better. I was crying because I didn't get a medal in anything for Science Olympiad. I was crying because I've been taking that event for three years and I still didn't finish the freaking test and of course I didn't place. I was crying because Ashly is so perfect. I was crying because Celeste was wearing Josh's jacket. I was crying because life is a lie. I was crying because I'm tired of saying that I'm okay. I was crying because I couldn't take it anymore. I was crying because Nick was trying to comfort me. I was crying because Jeffrey didn't even seem to give a shit about sarah and I crying. I was crying because I'm just done. 

i know i know they said "if it doesn't put food in your stomach, a roof over your head, or love in your heart, than it doesn't matter." In my opinion that is just an emotionless life. You can't follow guidelines like these and limit your life, limit your happiness and your emotions in general. Everything matters. Everything happens for a reason. You can't just do what they tell you to do. They are all _lying_ do you realize that? They tell us go to college! They tell us get a job! They tell us we are free. They tell us we need an education. They limit our education, they set these stinking guidelines for everything, our whole life depends on how well we do with what they want of us! If anything doesn't matter. Than it THEIR STUPID IDEAS. The standards of todays society _discust_ me. How do we listen to these people? How do we let them run our lives? There are so many possibilities, but we just listen to them because we don't know better! well KNOW BETTER. They don't have the right to punish you or limit you and make you tell them everything. Why do we just give into them! I'm done. I'm just done. I don't know anybody! I just realized that I have NO FRIENDS. I can't be myself around anybody. All I want to do is hurt and cry. I am a nobody. I'm not who I want to be. I tried so hard, I've been trying for my whole life and I'm still not there I can't do it I'll never be the person that i want to be, the person that people will never forget.

Sad.

I'm just really sad at this point. I'm fat ugly and stupid. 

I'm just kind of done. 

Sorry

I'm sorry 

Battle scars

     Well I did it again. I probably won't do it ever ever again but I cut again. Nobody even noticed, but that's a good thing. Nobody notices how broken I am. 

     I wore my watch on my left wrist with my bracelets and hair ties to cover it up. I feel like the cuts represent my worries, stress, issues,weaknesses, and everything I hide. When they're not covered up, I feel anxious and vulnerable.   But it's Okays. 

    Sarah asked to borrow one of my hair ties  today and I had a half-a-second panic attack wondering what I should do, and ended up pretending like it was no big deal and with it covered I took a hair tie off and gave it to her. I adjusted the other one to cover. Ashly had a bandaid on the side of her wrist. She told me she had cut and I freaked out, which is why I'll tell no one. But her Mom called her an f-ing b***. I didn't tell Ashly about me because I thought it might compel her to do it again. 

     Ashly asked me for a hairtie also when we were going out to PE. My watch would have to be my last protection, so I made up an excuse and said no. I eventually gave it to her. I survived. 

     But I want to tell you people to never ever cut yourself. You are so beautiful! I'm working on it myself and I think imma be Okays. 

I have so much to say

Soososososooo much idk where to start. 

Ugh

I don't know what to do. 

Looking forward

In basic Ed on Friday my teacher showed us this documentary about Toms shoes and, you know, they're one-for-one program. It showed the guys on their journey of giving out the shoes in the third-world country. They went through so much to get there and they got down and dirty for the cause. I cried while watching it because I want to be like that.

    I want to be known. I want to change the world. I want me parents to be proud of me. But I look around and my teacher asked for people to share times they've helped out in such a way an I hear all of the great things that my classmates have done. I felt... Pointless. I haven't song anything. I wanted to do something. Something inside me yearned for it, not the credit. 

       But what to do? I could travel the world and educate children! Or I could be like Oprah. Or I could 

Oh my gosh. Aksijdjskakxnd ill continue this post later but life just got really complicated in the past five seconds....... 

Images

      Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder is that really me? It never feels right. I look into my own brown eyes and wonder, I stare at my unpropitious face and feel like its someone else. Not someone else, more like something else. Sometimes I feel like our souls and our bodies are completely different, barely even connected. 

     Our appearances are like masks, the first glimpse of a person is just their mask, and we judge each other just by these first glimpses. It's how we work. It's instinctive. But sometimes we have to  let go of society and find what's under everyone's masks, who they truly are.  

      At this point in life one's appearance is important to them, they want to look nice. In middle school your compared and judged and challenged in so many ways, but most of it is completely internal. It's all about your perspective on life. At some point in life you'll realize that what you think is oh so important now, like if you look pretty or if you wear Abercrombie clothes or if you're a size zero, it all really isn't all that important. People need to open their eyes and see the big picture. They need to realize that your body is fake. Your heart and soul are what you are. Your general body and appearance are trapping your soul in. They limit you, make you think twice. Appearance is just another test you'll face in life, take off your mask and show what you really are to everyone, show your soul, show them something that they've never seen before. Break the chain of society. 

Changed

It's kind of crazy to think about how much I've changed. Not that I used to be shy or anything but this year I've been saying hi to everyone I see even if I don't know them, so maybe I'll know them by the end of the year. I also shout to everyone after school to have a great day. It makes me hAppy. But also, I used to have glasses and bad teeth. Then braces. And short, thick knotted brown hair. Then I got contacts, grew my hair out, got side bangs, and my braces off. But was it all the right thing to do? 

    I feel like I'm trying too hard. And still not succeeding. I don't really know what it is that I don't have I guess it's just everything. I'll never be like them popular kids. Them obnoxious popular girls. 

     Emma Ford. Google her and you'll probably already see why. She's been on tv shows and all that, but she's super popular and obnoxiously gorgeous. She has perfect blonde hair that she flawlessly brushes back constantly with her hand and it still looks perfect. She's pretty smart and I think athletic. She's pretty much a typical popular girl, and I used to despise her. 

    It wasn't until this year that I realized that most of the hating was from jealousy. I mean of course, she's perfect. They all are. I was standing in the lunch line alone because nick was following me and I was in a bad mood so I shoo'd him away. Then a perfect popular girl got in the other line next to me with her perfect popular friend. They seemed to finger brush their hair back at the same time perfectly like Emma. One of them was wearing a mini skirt and one of those annoying tops from tillys that I could never fit into. The other girl was wearing short shorts and probably an Abercrombie top that was obviously meant to be a belly shirt but somehow dem middle school populars make it somewhat acceptable for dress code yet really sexy it's inna-pro-pro. Both of them should have gotten dress-coded because their bottoms were too short and their tops weren't right. But they stood there and gossiped like dem populars do and looked perfect. I felt stupid and ugly and fat standing next to them with their Barbie sized bodies. They were standing (more like posing) in their sexy expensive stylish outfits, and I was standing (slouching) in my loose denim shorts and raider-pride black t-shirt. It kind of made me mad. But I guess that's just how it is. 

       Dem popular girls seem to have everything. Boyfriends, money, attractiveness, perfect hair, etc. But is that really everything? No-sir-ee. Sure they're hair still looks perfect in a seemingly effortless ponytail that stays in place the whole PE period while I have to wear two headbands and three hair ties to hold this hunk of poop called hair back for running and it still looks terrible. Sure things seem so much easier for them. Sure everybody wants to be them. But does it all really matter? It doesn't. They need to get their priorities straight. 

       After a bit of thought waiting in the lunch line next to dem popular girls, I just sighed at their gossiping and smiled to myself, I was taking life in day by day and enjoying the ride; I was happy. That's all that's important for now. I don't need all that dem popular girls got. I'm okay just the way it all is for me now. 

Softball

I used to play softball. I started as a little T-baller when I was super little. I used to watch my sister and the bigger kids play and I knew that I didn't want to go that far. It was so intense and scary. But I kind of did. 

    As you already know, I have stress issues. I might have anxiety issues too, but I don't know for sure. I've always been a really emotional person, sometimes commercials that are sad make me cry. But I would also cry a lot during softball, I was just scared. What if I messed up and caused the team to lose? 

     But I kept going, my parents thought I loved it and were mostly just annoyed at how I would be battling tears when I made a mistake. I grew up with this sport, I know everything about it, and I was good at it. My best softball friend was the coaches daughter and our dads were co coaches and friends. Sydney and I had been friends sense preschool, were awesome buddies. She grew out of it, but she used to be kind of mean, bad talking people including me. I have some bad stories from those dang softball girls. I might as well tell you one. 

    Selanie. That was her name. She was one of Sydney's best friends. I never really understood her. Well we met probably when I was... Ten. I wasn't particularly attractive back then, not that I think I am now. I had a huge (literally huge) gap between my teeth, thick, tangled hair,  a mustache(I have a pretty hairy family), and ears that stick out a little too much ( it runs in the family, my dad and my cousins had to get surgery for it). So all in all, I was an ugly little kid. Selanie thought it was funny or maybe she didn't understand how such a small statement could rot in my brain for all eternity and cause so many tears. It was simple stuff like "why do you have such anoticeable  mustache?" And "why is there a weird gap between your teeth?" And such. And then it got worse, I hear her say something like or about me in a bad way to Sydney, my friend, and Sydney and selanie looked at me and laughed. 

    But that's behind me. And so are other softball memories. Like all of the strikeouts and the crying, the mistakes I made at shortstop, and all of the great things that I did. Before I knew it I was on all stars. I was mostly outfield but I lived it out there, in all stars that's where the ball was mostly hit. 

     I remember playing right field at states, we needed to win this game to go to nationals. The score was close, last inning, they were up to bat. And then all of the sudden someone hit a ball to shallow right field, the girl on third base ran home, nobody expected is catch it. I sprinted to the ball, it was one Of those zen moments. When you play a sport so long it becomes like a reflex, and then sometime in it you reach a point where you go through it in slow motion, you're almost unconscious, it just happens. It's really hard to describe. But I almost dove for it, it was in my glove and I needed to keep it there so I collapsed and rolled on the ground, hugging my glove to my body. The girl that was running home ran back to third base, I stood up all in one beautiful motion from my roll and I threw the ball home, perfect throw to the catcher, stopping a run from being scored. That was one of the best moments of my life. Sometimes I wish I didn't quit.

     Yeah, sometimes if was good, but other times it was bad. I couldn't take the pressure anymore, we were getting older and it was getting tougher, more intense, the coaches would count the errors in each game. Three was too many. I wanted it to be fun but it wasn't. I was so afraid to fail that I gave up. I left all of the countless friends I had made, all of the countless memories made. Why did I give it up. 

   It's too late to join back up, and I don't know if I can take it, I got worse in my afraid to fail sense. What I'm trying to tell you it that don't let anything hold you back. You truly can follow your dreams and do whatever you want to. Never give up. 

What makes me happy

You know, I'm kind of done with the whole "hi" in the beginning and " so all in all" at the end. I'd assume it gets annoying. So today ill start off with this:

Hello beautiful person(:

  There are so many things that make me happy. Countless, infinite, things. But there are a few main things. 

One thing is the sky. Sometimes the sky makes me sad though, it can make me cry. But anyway, ever sense I was little, I would fly. I was able to soar through the sky without wings, I just had a gift. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world; I mean don't you just ever look at the clouds and want to be up there. Don't you see the beauty and the mystery that lies above them? It is amazing. The best feeling in the whole Entire world. 

      But the only thing is, my gift of flight doubles as a gift of imagination. I literally lived in my imagination as a kid. It was my life, it seemed completely real like I never faced reality, maybe that's why it kills me now. Stupid reality. But I still have it, mostly. My imagination keeps me going, and so does the sky. I can just lay down and stare at the sky for forever, I can dream or being up there, sometimes it makes me cry because I want it so bad. Everyday, as a kid I used to come home in reality and  run into my room and leap as if I were about to fly and land on my bed, sometimes I felt I was flying. I thought that if I did that everyday, someday, maybe someday I could truly fly. I haven't really gotten there yet. 

      Going back to my main topic, the sky makes me happy, it calms me down, it helps me. Somehow I know that someday I will fly. I don't know how. But I will. I just love it so much, it's like endless, limitless, simply beautiful.

     But a ton of things make me happy. Like just happpiness in general. I love being happy and making other people happy. I love it when I am not afraid of people judging me and I just let go and have so much fun. Sometimes I like to say "Everyone here as already judged me! What have I got to lose?!"  And so I am just trying to be amazing. I"m trying to be nice to everybody, even the people I don't know. For ASB sometimes we go around at lunch and sit with kids who are alone. I love meeting people that way, and then I get to say hi to them around school. It makes me happy(:
    As an eighth grader. I feel free. There is no one above me that will judge me, so I'm all good! I can do whatever I want! Mostly....... Everyday I like to smile and say hi to everyone I see... even if I don't know them. It's really fun. They either smile or it creeps them out. Hehe. Sometimes when I walk into classrooms I say hello! and good morning! To everyone(: It's nice. It may seem like I'm conceited and thinking that I'm so amazing, but I'm just doing this because it makes me happy. During PE my friends and I are totally crazy. Everyone is like staring at us while we randomly do out "secret row clap" and umi goggles. And all I have to do is say triscut and Kristen dies of laughter. After PE I say hi to everyone and walking out of school I yell "hello!" or "bye!" and "have a great day" or something. Nobody really cares now, but maybe people will like it and say hi back and maybe I'll make people smile(: I am just taking life day by day, enjoying it and trying to make a difference everywhere I go.

"The trail you leave behind you is more important than the path ahead of you" -O'conner

         Lots of things make me happy(: Embrace all of the things that do the same to you(:

Yesterday

Hi,

  I guess it all started when I was little. I kept to myself. I didn't live in reality. I lived in my imagination. To tell the truth, my best friends are still my imaginary friends, even though I have real  friends too. I cried, but I only cried silently. I didn't want people to see my struggles. I've always tried to be a great person, to live up to my name that my perfect mother and two perfect older sisters share with me. I did what teachers said to do, I didn't get in trouble, I guess I was smart too, I followed the rules, and I was tying to be a nice person. But I didn't live like everyone else did, I have always seen the world differently, as I have said before. But I kept it all balled up inside. 

     And I still do. I also have stress issues. But nobody knows, except a few of my friends that have experienced my freak outs.
     People either really liked me or really hated me in elementary school. Maybe I was too happy, too "perfect." They didn't like it. Somehow, when I'm "perfect" everybody hates me, yet Ashly is perfect, and everybody loves her. All the girls like feel like they have to be her friend... and all of the guys like her! She's one of my best friends. But it's hard to hang out with her because... sometimes it's like a line to get to her, and it causes me to leave my traditional friends. 

    Well anyway, I kept it all in. Again, I would cry, but only silently. My parents knew nothing. I have never really told them anything so it would be weird all of the sudden telling them now. I keep to myself. 

      But that's what kills me. Nobody really knows me and that's why I'm struggling, I keep it all in and that's why I'm hurting. I'm trying to be tough and not be affected by life's evilness, but it gets packed up in my soul. It keeps piling and piling up. 

       When school started, eighth grade, I was super excited. But then I got really depressed, the guy I had liked for a year was becoming way out my my league and causing my so much sadness, the stress was piling, and everything was going wrong. I just wasn't happy. Three of my best friends are perfect. (Alanna, Lexi, and Ashly) Alanna crushes my dreams somehow or another, not even on purpose. If I like photography, she's five times better at it than me, I study hard for tests and get a good grade, and she doesn't even study and gets an even better grade. It wasn't fair. 

     By the day before yesterday, I would call myself a tree about to fall over, a tree that has been chopped and chopped and chopped at until its holding on by just one thread, struggling to survive. All I needed was a little blow of the wind to knock me over. And that's what happened yesterday. 

     I had my presentation in front of my basic Ed class yesterday, I had been stressing and freaking out about it all day; my nails looked like old people from my constant biting. I was already stressed because of Jeffrey and how much I like him, and because of Alanna and Ashly and how perfect they are. I walked into seventh period and then started to stress out even more, I was sweating, rubbing my hands together, and breathing hard. And then it was my turn to go. I had been meaning to ask the teacher if I could time myself so I know where I'm at so I can stay in the time limit but I didn't get the chance. So I was stupid and asked her while I was standing in the front of the room, before my speech; everyone heard. Mrs. G thought and then said "we'll no because you should have practiced it more" in a totally smirky way, just enough for the whole class to go "oohhhhhh!!" Including Jeffrey. 

    That was all it took. It was as simple as that. I felt my face turn red, I pushed back all of the words flooding through my brain, I wanted to say that I had, in fact, practiced all night, and I was just over-stressing about the time limit and I wanted to make sure. But I couldn't speak, I was afraid I'd cry.
     Before I knew it Mrs. G said "ready set go" and I began my speech with a stutter. It started out okay, but about halfway through talking about my stuffed unicorn and how it represented my past, I tensed up. I started shaking. I felt like I was about to cry. I could barely speak. I pushed through and kept talking, my voice displaying my fear and emotions, everything I had held back about to come out. While I switched from  my present to future for my speech, I took a deep breath, I needed to get through this, I needed a good grade. So I finished talking about my deep and symbolic item to represent my future. I was shaking still, a little harder than before. 

     Everyone clapped. I grabbed my stuff and sat down. I could have been okay, my speech was fine, I could have just sat down, smiled, and said thank you to all the people that said I did a good job. But that's not how it worked. 

     I sat down. Nick looked at me. Sarah looked at me. Alice looked at me. Celeste looked at me. Alanna looked at me. Sophie looked at me. Nathan looked at me, everyone looked at me. I can't stand having everyone in my face like that. "You did a good job! That was good! Blah blah blah! Beh Bleh Bleh!" That's all I heard. Then I started to freak out. I was shaking really hard. I denied all of their comments and suddenly remembered all of the "umm.."'s that were in my speech. I could hear my shaky and nervous voice from me speech like it was replaying in my head to haunt me. I did terrible was all I was thinking. Then I felt my eyes well up. The world was crashing down. I wanted to be alone. I wanted everyone to just go away. People think they're being a good person when they get up in a sad persons face and are all like "making it better" by saying nice things or asking if they're okay. And then everyone was doing that. And I fought back the tears that I've been holding in for years, I held back the emotion that I've been hiding for forever, I held it all back. But my red eyes and shaky body were still there. I hoped and prayed that Jeffrey didn't see me like this. 

    The next person stared their speech, I tried to get better. I wanted to go home. I needed to be alone. I just wanted everyone to get out of my face. The bell rang. I gathered my stuff and walked outside, ignoring my friends. I was supposed to go to Mr. Anellas room (my student government and leadership teacher for ASB) to get some stuff to help out with the assembly eighth period. Ashly was supposed to go too. I hoped she left without me so I could run in the bathroom and cry, but I was feeling okay. Haha, like that was supposed to last.

     Outside the classroom, I was bombarded with people asking if I was okay, I just wanted everyone to go away, I sped away from them, running into Alanna. She was being all nice and motherly and perfect and hugged me and asked what's wrong, I broke down crying. I fell apart. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. She hugged me, kissed my forehead and motioned me to the bathroom. My friends were waiting for me but I ran inside the safety of the restroom. Someone else was in there but I didn't care. I locked myself in a stall and cried for thirty seconds. Then I walked out, sighed at the sight of my red eyes, and speed-walked to Mr. Anella's room. When I finally got there, he was talking to Ashly, and he stopped when he saw me. I was holding a ton of stuff in my hands and trying to cover my face and my quivering body. He motioned Ashly away and took me outside. This freaked me out even more. 

   My eyes filled with more tears, my body seemed to be trying to shake out all of the emotions I had balled up inside me. 

   "Are you okay?" He asked. I smiled and said I was. I held it all back again, while it was pouring out of my body. It was literally scary how much I was shaking. He asked again because he wasn't convinced, he said that I could talk to him and trust him. I almost did. I said I was okay. I wasn't okay. "Are you sure because your eyes are filled with tears and you're literally shaking..." Sometimes I feel like I want to go back to this moment and tell the truth. Sometimes I wish that he could have been someone I could trust. But I can't. I said I was sure I was okay. I would trust him, but he's an adult. They're all the same. He would probably send me to the counselors and then the counselors would call my parents. And then my parents would know. So I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him anything. Trust no one. 

     I will always remember that moment. Standing there, tears streaming down my face, my whole body shaking intensely, yet I insisted that I was fine. I tried to calm myself down for my Ashly's sake. I was quiet and sad but I kept it together. Until I got home.     I was lucky. I had the whole day home alone. So I had the whole day to cry. 

     I got home, put my stuff down, inspected every room of the house to make sure nobody was home, and then I cried. I cried harder than I've cried in years. I cried into pillows, I cried at the ceiling, I cried on the couch, I cried on my bed, I cried standing up. I cried for a half and hour. I had fallen. I was broken. I was completely drained. The wind had blown and I tipped over. Everything. I just fell apart. 
    After the thirty minutes I stopped and ate some ice cream. Than I cried for fifteen more minutes. Than Alanna came over. She didn't know I'd been crying. We did some homework and laughed some and at ice cream. Then she left and I laid on the grass and stared at the clouds. I felt better, but I still went inside and cried some more. My mom texted me and asked how was school. While tears streamed down my face, I texted back that it was good. I cried harder.  

    But you know how sometimes when trees fall, they lay down seeds for more trees to grow? Well I think that's how it is. I'm still going strong and I'm going to be okay now. My legs are still moving, I've let it all out. I'm growing back and I have a fresh start, I can do anything now. 

      

Keep walking

My brain felt empty, my heart shattered, I felt like my soul had been drained out of me, I felt dead, I felt like giving up, laying on the ground and falling apart, my body breaking along with my heart and soul, I couldn't do it anymore, I was finished, my brain was dead, my heart shattered, my soul drained, my smile broken and my hope vanished, yet somehow my legs kept moving. I kept moving forward. 

stress

I'm really sorry. I've been really stressed and frustrated recently. I will post soon.

IM REALLY FRUSTRATED. I had a post written out but it disappeared. Wait a couple days and ill renwrite it. Ugh

Notes and Smiles

Hi,
   This blog really has inspired me to do so many things! I've always wanted to do small things that could make the world a better place, one smile at a time. So I thought up the idea with my friend Liza to make little notes to anonymously leave around wherever we go. I've been having so much fun writing things like "Don't forget to smile!" on little pieces of paper and attaching little pennies to them. I've left some at the beach, in restaurants, and in stores. Some times I come back a half an hour later to see if they're still there, to see if anything has happened. Sometimes they're still there, sometimes they're not. But usually nothings seems different. At first I was disapointed. But then I realized that even though I can't see an impact, someone still saw the message, and maybe smiled. Maybe they needed it, maybe they didn't. Maybe it was a random person, or a store employee. But no matter what, someone saw it. Someone was at least reminded to be happy and, smile.
    So all in all, I will check you in with what's going on, and every time I place a note, I take a picture. Hopefully someday I will have a whole collage of what I've done. This is just so much fun. It makes me happy. It makes me feel important. And it does the same for my friend Liza. So don't forget to smile(:

Reality check

Hi,

  Often I am struck by a reality check. It's like this giant shock that happens after you get caught off guard. Like when I was being crazy and not sucking in my blubber like I usually do at pool parties and someone called me fat. Twice. Once behind my back and another time in front of everyone. That led to many teary sleepless nights. But that's the past. And this is the present. So to avoid these reality checks, I try to always stay on guard. Always know that people will be judging me. Which is why I never judge people. I try to always soak everything in and be completely aware of where I am and what's going on. I try not to be crazy or weird or look stupid. 

     So I was at my friends bat mitzvah yesterday. Food, loud music, signing, dancing, people, adults, and ice cream all mixed together is almost a guaranteed fatal reality check. So I was always aware          . It was good, everything was going fine, I was watching my back. 

     Buuut all in all, I was holding back. I wasn't being me. I was so afraid of being judged or criticized that I was completely different. We were on the dance floor and all of the sudden I stopped dancing. I looked at the disco lights. The loud speakers. The DJ. The dancing lady. The handmade dance floor. I looked at my friends, I looked at the way they were just dancing, the way they weren't holding back, while I was trying to absorb it all and mentally and mathematically think of a plan of survival. I was thinking too much about it all, I was in the wrong perspective. I was stuck in the present, stuck in earth as a literal thing. Stuck the literal way where I saw it all. Everyone else had just let go. They weren't in the literal state I was in, they weren't stuck. 

      So I learned something at the first bat  mitzvah I've ever been to. Kind of a life lesson. I won't completely let my guard down, but I need to let go sometimes and get out of the literal way I see the world. I need to be free, fly gracefully, fly in a way that only I can fly. 

symbolism

Hi,
    In relation to my last post, I have some great ideas and observations. Sometimes I just like to watch nature and think for a bit, and I see so much symbolism in everyday things. But I saw something that totally changed my whole perspective on my issue from last post. You see, I'm pet sitting for these cats, and there's this one cat that is really old, she's about fifteen or sixteen years old. She walks around as best as she can, but she's really weak and old. Everyday, I go up to her and even though her eyes display her fright, I kept thinking that she could trust me and let me comfort her. One day I was trying to pet her like always, and I realized that, even though I thought it would make her feel better, she wasn't enjoying it, it wasn't doing anything. She didn't WANT to be petted. I backed away and realized that this happened because I needed to be showed that if he doesn't want my help. I can't help him. The best I can do is let him be.

Inner battle

Hi,

   Recently I've been talking to this guy a lot(gmailchat) and he is kind of depressed. I consider him a friend, because I like to consider everyone my friend...everyone may not consider me a friend but that's their decision(: So I've been trying to help him in every way shape or form possible this summer, we've even video chatted because he "needed to really talk to someone". Well yeah, there are a lot of things that I want to say, but I don't want to say anything that will make it worse or be hurtful to him, so I carefully pick out what I'm going to say. This takes a lot of effort, but some drive inside of me makes me do it. I don't like him (ya know) but I just can't help but... Want to help him. The only confusing thing about this is that this is a guy. And I usually deal with depressed girls, not depressed guys. Girls pretend like they're okay, but sometimes they post things on social media like hinting that they're not okay, in my opinion  it's looking for attention and getting sympathy or it's a good way to let others know how you really feel, so they really know you. It really depends on tons of circumstances to tell if its good or bad. But that's what girls do. Or they play the whole "I'm fine" game. That statement will 99%of the time mean that they are not fine. I feel like saying those words automatically means that they're telling you that they aren't. It's like this amazing secret code between us girls. Girls also may deny it, but they at least want someone there, who cares, someone to talk to that checks up on them, that sais "hi" first. 

      But that's girls. I have no clue what guys are like. Do they want someone to be there? Is it awkward if its a girl? Do they want someone to at least try to help them? What is it like? Of course, I've learned a bunch about this stuff from him now. But I'm still confused. Basically, I've been supposing he wants kind of what a girl wants, I say hi a lot and ask him how he is doing just about everyday. I type up little inspirational speeches at least twice a week. I tell him that I'm still trying because I care. 

 

    But it isn't going well. 

     He tells me I'm wasting my time, that nothing will work. He even refuses to read the paragraphs upon paragraphs of inspiration and motivation and such that I've written. Well I guess you can lead a horse to water... But you can't make it drink. He keeps telling me to stop trying, like he's mad at me. I feel bad, but something inside me makes me keep trying. Doesn't he want someone to at least care? And then the next day he tells me stuff like "thank you for all you've done to help me" and the day after that he's telling me to stop again. I feel annoying, pestering, up in his business. This has nothing to do with me, why do I just have to get myself involved? I just can't stop, I can't stand seeing a person feeling like this. It just breaks my heart. Every time he tells me to stop, I just have to keep trying, something inside of me is refusing to give up on this person. But maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm making it worse. Maybe I'm just giving him the sympathy and help that I never got. But that was because I didn't tell anyone until Liza. But that's another story.  

        So all in all, I know this post is nothing compared to my last one (read it!) but it's just something that's been on my mind. Something is just making me not give up on this person. This must be happening for a reason, maybe this is a test for me. I think I'm fighting an inner battle to figure out if I am doin the right thing not giving up, or if I'm being nosy and annoying and up in his business. I guess we'll see.  It's not as dramatic as I may make it seem, but how you interpret all I say is personalized to you. Think and find symbolism in everyday life. Help other people out, be the person that is always there for everyone, and don't forget to look after yourself too. 

Stella and Steve

Hi,
   (reading previous posts would be helpful) Probably the biggest things (with a huge purpose and affect) in my life that most people would see as a normal thing in nature are Stella and Steve. They literally kept me going everyday, kept me optimistic, kept me smiling. I loved them so much I almost cry thinking about them. Well I guess I should tell you the story of these amazing butterflies.

It all started in fifth grade. I had always been amused with butterflies, but I had never really paid notice them before. All through elementary school I walked to school everyday with some of my friends through two small canyons. The canyons were one of the most amazing things that have ever happened to me. In the canyons I could be a horse, sprinting free, or a dragon, flying into the sky. I was a wizard casting spells and causing problems. I was a princess, ruling my beautiful lands. There was something magical in those canyons, something that triggered imagination, and lots of it. I had the best memories there. It was so much fun to play like that. After that I was able to be whatever I wanted to be, wherever I wanted to be. Usually in my backyard that I would search in everyday for a secret portal to an unknown world where I would actually be living in the wondrous things that I had imagined up in my un-proportional head. But even in that head of mine, it sure did feel real. One of the worst parts of my life was when I started to take notice to the real world, it was awkward to play and talk to my imaginary friends; I was growing up. But I was too stubborn to stop, I was able to do things just in my head. And then fifth grade came up. It was growing hard for me to play and imagine. But I still did sometimes, with my friends, just for giggles.

  It must have started in the beginning of the year. (By year I mean school year as in August. It's kind of amazing how our brains work from the whole school thing. By years I mean school years, by end of the day I mean 2:27 when school ends, by morning I mean 6:00 when I have to get up, and I literally live on a weekly basis, looking forward to the weekend.) We would walk home, like normal, mostly fifth graders, a few littler kids like fourth and third graders who lived in the neighborhood. Our group consisted of Me, Alanna (bff), Courtney, Brittany, Connor (sometimes. I had a crush on him I think. Oh little fifth grade me...), Milt (weird yet he was extremely hilarious then), Euan (fourth grader), and sometimes Mitchell (obnoxious evil third grader and brother of Courtney). Fffinallllyyy, we were trusted by our parents to walk alone, as in without them awkwardly stalking us.
    

   I'm not sure when we started noticing them, but all I know is that I made a connection immediately. I admired how Stella flew without a care in the world, the most graceful thing you will ever see in your whole entire life. She would tease Milt as he would try to catch her. It was like she was talking to us. Or maybe playing with us. Or just doing what she did, making me happy. She had a companion of course. We figured it was a boy and she was a girl, I don't know I guess it was just instinct. He flew more cautiously, afraid and unsure, yet admiring of Stella. It was just beautiful, to watch them. It made me happy, it made me think. I don't know how it affected the other people in our group, they were connected a little too, but I don't think as much as I was. I was the one who named them. I've never forgotten about them.
       It was probably after about a week of seeing the butterflies everyday at the one spot in the canyon where the tree had fallen, but most of the remains were cleaned up the main part of the tree lay there in the grass (which was only green during the month or two of rainy spring.) There were other trees still standing nearby, and spiky bushes lining the fence to a house and the path (and slight hill) to exit the canyon. That was where we would see a white butterfly, I don't know why but I named her Mary-Anne-Alice. The canyon's kind of hard to describe. So anyways, after about a week of meeting the butterflies every afternoon walking home, I decided to name them. It just came to me, the names. Probably one of those things that people don't take notice to, but I'm sure the names were meant to be somehow. It all works out like that. "Stella and Steve" I said. They looked at my kind if disapprovingly, especially Alanna, they were probably upset that they didn't really get a say in the names. But that was a good thing, because the butterflies in the other canyon that they named were "Artichoke and Asparagus". I have weird friends. 

       And then things only got better from there, I think little fifth grade Connor started to like little fifth grade me. And I went from feeling kind of alone to being extraordinarily happy getting home from school. Every day we would see Stella and Steve. Everyday they would make me happy, and make me crazy. A lot of the time Stella and Steve would circle each other and fly high into he sky, like they were kissing or something. I sure did love those butterflies. 

      You see, butterflies don't live too long. I'm not sure exactly how long, all I know is that they seemed to go way over time. Months and months they were there. Occasionally they wouldn't be there, and I would get worried, but my friends didn't seem concerned. Alanna used to question me and my imagination then, she would ask if I knew that butterflies don't live long and they probably weren't even the same butterflies everytime. I would deny it. I've never seen a butterfly fly like Stella did everyday, for forever. I didn't care if they cared. 

      After a whike the group would joke about Stella and Steve getting married, and so I don't know how, but we made it happen. A coniencidental thing happened on the day, some people would call it that, but I knew it happened for a reason and it was like the butterflies had minds. About five more of the same kind of butterflies showed up for what we thought must have been the marriage. I loved being a kid. 

      After that, Stella and Steve and the other butterflies that were there the other day were just...gone. We didn't know what to think so we said that they must have gone on a honeymoon. But I couldn't get the thought out of my mind could it be, could my greatest companions have lived their short life through? 

     I was really sad for the next few weeks, they weren't there to greet me everyday anymore. I would think back, back to their beautiful brown bodies, with yellow-gold lining, blue spotted detail along the gold, mourning cloak butterflies they were. I had never seen those kind of butterflies before Stella and Steve. When I was sad, it wasn't just from the butterflies, it was just normal things that would make little me sad, like normal, except the butterflies weren't there anymore to cheer me up. 

But it's not like I was depressed I don't want to see dramatic but I was just a strange child. I just really needed my Stella.

We loved those butterflies and we loved that canyon. They changed us. We needed to give back. One day walking home Milt found this amazing whitish stick with holes in it that we filled with flowers. It was slightly curved and just an awesome stick (we were weird like that). The next day, we refilled the stick with fresh flowers and we found a great place to put it. It balanced perfectly curving upward ontop of the fallen tree branch where we used to see Stella and Steve everyday. It turned into a great idea for a memorial type thing. For the next few weeks after school we would visit the site and freshen it up, add our touches. We took out the dead grass and the weeds in front of the fallen tree in a circle and a line like a pathway from the trail. We gathered a ton of sticks and tied strings attaching them together like a fence. It was a long process jabbing the sticks into the solid ground, we had to go into the scary part of the canyon the get water from a random "pond" (more like sewer) to help soften the ground. I remember freaking out after the yucky water dripped on my hand. Courtney and Brittany were better sports about that. It was mostly us three I don't remember why Alanna couldn't make it most of the time. I had so much fun making that memorial, we got it to look pretty with some flowers we picked all around and white rocks lining the edge of the pathway to the "fenced" area. On the inside of the "fenced" area there was the small tree remains in the back with the amazing stick balancing on it, which we refilled with fresh flowers every few days. Also on the fallen tree we placed two rocks, one stone where we wrote "RIP Stella and Steve, two awesomely cool butterflies" and another rock where I wrote a long, heartfelt note about them, mostly Stella. Sorry Steve. The little "memorial" we made was so amazing it made me happy again. It was pretty.

Maybe a week after the memorial was completed, we saw a mourning cloak butterfly in the other canyon. Alanna named her Camille. Days after that, Mary-Anne-Alice came back in the canyon next to the memorial. And another mourning cloak butterfly would show up literally in the memorial. The butterfly would land near the stick and the rocks, maybe appreciating what we did. I named that butterfly Stella. I felt like it was still her. It was like it wasn't exactly her but it was her. After a bit she started to fly like Stella did. Like no butterfly ever does. So...free. So...graceful. So....beautiful. Stella was back.

After elementary school, Stella started showing up in my backyard. I would watch her all the time. She wouldn't be there all the time. Sometimes. It seemed like it was just when I needed her. It must have been magic. I just knew it was her. It was always her. I see mourning cloak butterflies sometimes and they're not always Stella. But they still make me happy. One showed up in Alanna's backyard on last Thursday. I think it was because the day before I had been very sad. Upset with myself. And I survived that day because Stella showed up in my backyard, made me smile. She's always there for me. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I still have a big story to tell that happened recently.

It was probably two months ago. Stella had been visiting me often. Once, at school, I was walking with my friend, Ashly to ASB (associative student body). I had been having a bad day, I got a B on the math quiz. Most people expect me to get an A. But I was really stressed. I was also having sadness because of a crush I had that made me discouraged. On the way to class right after math, Stella flew in front of me, dangerously close to me, a human, like she does sometimes. I knew it was her. I got that feeling. She flew like only my Stella does. I was so happy, I was beaming for the rest of the day. She had actually visited me at school! At that point I knew this it was confirmed. This was no coincidence. Stella is real. This is like magic. A bit after that, I was walking, a little upset again, and a beautiful butterfly flew by, it wasn't Stella, but gee that butterfly was gorgeous. I cheered up. A week or two after that occurrence, I was walking out of school, alone, I was distressed because Ashly left after I asked to wait for me because Erin or Samantha always drags her away from me. Alanna had left as soon as possible, like always, to wait for me outside the side of school with her band friends and some of our basic friends, ahem ahem mostly josh in her case. They have this romantic thing going on. It makes me jealous. Well anyways, Sophie had left without me too, and she usually waits for me because she sometimes walks home with Alanna and I. Not through the canyons. Just through streets. I felt abandoned by my friends and I think some other sad thing had happened. I was in the middle of the quad, and there came Stella. She seemed to appear out of no where. She flew around me. Flying in the unbelievably beautiful way she always does. She came so close to me I could have reached out and touched her. She only came this close to me. I knew it. Stella was there for me. She will always be there for me. We had this connection that I can never truly explain.



All my hope was lost about a month ago. It was a normal day, I hadn't seen Stella in a few days so I was expecting to see her soon. I think I was in a pretty good mood, walking outside so feed my bunny, when I saw a spiderweb near his cage. It was a pretty big spiderweb, in its usual spot during this time of year. But this time it was a little different. Something didn't feel rift all of the sudden. I saw a spot in the web, and I went closer to investigate, it looked like the spider had wrapped some bug up. As I came closer, as reality hit me with more shock and weight that I had ever felt before, I saw what was in the web. I gasped sounding so hurt and frightened and shocked and heartbroken my mom thought that me bunny was dead or something. But there was my Stella, lifeless, tangled up in that macabre spider's web. I ran inside. My mom and I came back out, she wanted to see. Maybe she is still alive I thougt. Maybe there still is hope. In a panic, I grabbed a stick to poke the web with, but before I could even touch, as I came closer, she started to flutter in the web, in a panic. No Stella stop! I fought back tears as she got herself more tangled in the web. I didn't know what to do, my mom said to tear the web down so I tried to do so without harming her even more but I messed up. I mAde it even worse, it was all my fault. I started crying but I didn't give up, I didn't give up because she wasn't giving up. She never gave up, she never gave up on me or on anything. I was so frantic that my mom started to see how important this was to me and she started to try and remove the web while I sprinted in the house to get scissors. It was the scariest thing, really, seeing her fluttering helplessly on the ground while we tried to cut the webs away. Tears streamed down my face, I had to save her, after all she's done for me. Her wings were nearly broken, one of her antennas was stuck to her feet, a few of her legs were torn off. I held her. I could feel her helplessness. She was trying to get away, kept making it worse by trying to fly. As I held her in my hand, I was able to take it all in, my brain processed what was happening, sure Stella has probably died but I don't know, came back, but this time it was like it was the end. She was in my had. Dying. I was able to notice the fine spots of blue details along her wings, I couldn't say she was beautiful though, everything was messed up, hurt. 

       We did all that we could. Her wings were ripped, several legs missing, I just could bare it. But I was holding her still. I took a deep breath, and then I let go. She was only able to fly for a few seconds before she came tumbling, crashing, falling desperately onto the grass. My mom said to let it go. Go back inside. She got to fly one last time, now she will have to die. 

    I refused. Running to her, I was determined to let her live, she couldn't leave me now. I picked her up again, I talked to her soothingly, I tried to not let my tears land on her helpless wings. I held her up again, hopefully she could get a better start this time. She seemed desperate to get away from me, flying into the bushes. No. I thought. No Stella no! I continued to run over to her, she had to be ok! I grabbed her out of the bushes, I held her for one last time, I smiled, and then for one last time, she flew.  

      I cried as I watched her. She flew until she could make it over the fence. I was crushed that it ended that way. I let her go, she didn't even get to die in my backyard. After I whiled the tears off my face and calmed myself down, I realized that she flew over the fence, maybe because she didn't want me to see her die. I cried again. Cried to sleep, cried to my friends. But I was okay. I lived on. Stella was amazing while I was lucky enough to have her. 

But of course, my Stella never gives up. I was so upset one day, I don't remember why, but I was walking in the other canyon with my neighbors dog. I was about to walk up a little steep hill when I saw something on the ground. It was a shadow. The shadow of a butterfly, the shadow of a lovely, graceful, unmistakable butterfly. The shadow of my Stella. I looked up, she wasn't there. I checked the ground again and there she was, her shadow, but I couldn't find her in the air. It was a magical moment. Something you only hear about. But I experienced it. Her shadow, her spirit, she, but not her body was there. There for me. I was so happy and relieved to see her, or kind of seen her. I started crying, "thank you" I sobbed aloud " thank you so much." Magical. Truly magical.


After that occurrence, Stella continued to visit me like she used to do. She's back and better than ever.


Sooooo all in all (; , even the small things in nature that most people wouldn't even take notice to, have a reason, maybe for you. It's all really beautiful, nature. Sometimes you just have to sit outside and simply take it all in. It's just so amazing. It may seem like I made some of this up, but really, this all really happened. If you can't believe it, than your mind hasn't opened up enough to this way of thinking, normal people can't see the things I see. ( at least I think). And also, I think that the reason that Stella went through the reality death with me is for me to see, that no matter what, she will always be here for me, she's never going to leave me no matter what.

Reminder

I want to remind people that these are just my opinions, and no offense should be taken to them. This is just how I see the world and how I think. This may seem kinda spiritual but I'm actually not at all. Don't judge me by any of this just understand that this is just me, it doesn't have to be you, but you could try it out.

Sometimes it's hard to find a reason.

Hi,
(please read pervious posts to understand) Sometimes it's hard to find a reason for things. Like Cory Montieth dying or Talia Joy Castellano dying. She fought cancer for six years, she was an honorary Cover Girl and a "makeup guru." These things don't strike me personally, personally, but they do get me thinking that this does happen, some people have to wake us up, show us that we shouldn't do drugs like the famous Glee Cory Monteith and that cancer kills. We need to do something about it now. We can mourn these losses because they were great people, but they are just as great as the other people that aren't famous that have to suffer.
So all in all, human society needs to use these tragedies as a wake up call. This is absolutely terrible that this is happening, and we need to do something about it. Bad things will happen in life, but we can't let that stop us, we can't sulk for the rest of our lives, that ruins the purpose.

Sometimes

Hi,
    Today and yesterday (both!) I learned that sometimes the reason for things to happen are because it's like a test or a lesson. It's summertime and drama continues to follow me around! Middle school dating is never a good idea. (My opinion) I didn't date anyone just some of my friends do. Well long story short breakup and depressed guy upset girl. I tried to tell them about my way of seeing the world (please read my previous posts) and tried to get them to like see that this all happened for a reason. I think the reason is so they can learn from this. Maybe it was a test. The relationship didn't really work out at all after a while so I think the breakup needed to happen. This could be a test for them, to see how they would react, to see if they could take this or if they would fall apart at a stupid middle-school breakup. But that was mean. I take that back. I just really don't like middle school dating because like judging by how much drama I get a part of and hear about, middle schoolers (at least sixth and seventh graders) aren't ready for relationships yet.
     I was faced with a test on Wednesday. I gave in and made a big mistake, but afterwards I knew that I would never do it ever again. I decided that I would be happy and stuff. And so I made this blog. I did it to help myself. I needed to share how I feel about the world because I kind of keep to myself. I'm afraid to say about Wednesday because someone I know might read this blog. No one really knows me. Or understands me. Ugh, on Wednesday I cut myself.
     But this is in my past now. Today is a new day, a new beginning, and I feel great.

     So all in all, even the bad things that happen have a reason. You should never sulk because sometimes you just need to get up and go on. Every time you make a mistake you learn a lesson. Sometimes life just has to test you.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Hi,
I want to talk about another way I like to think. Everything happens for a reason. This kind of relates to my earlier post on the difference between why and how (so if you haven't read it yet I highly recommend reading it to help understand.). Now this way of thinking where everything has a reason helps self esteem kinda. It also helps you appreciate all of the small things that people would normally find completely ordinary. But we, we are not ordinary. If you take the time to read this you deserve to try it out. This has helped me so much in life.

This is really hard to explain but take it like this: basically all I"m saying isss: everything happens for a reason. that's it. But everyone's reasons are different. You will find small and big and medium sized things in life that happen for your benefit. Like me riding in the car with my sisters and on of their boyfriends while they blasted the music. I could have ducked under the windows so no one would see me, but I was placed in that situation for a reason, and I learned a life lesson. Instead of hiding so no one would see me, I sang along. It's mostly symbolic. Think about it. I found two other life lessons today, symbolic things that happened. Because everything happens for a reason. 

Now this way of thinking may seem self-centered because you're kind of taking in everything as something to your own benefit, something that happened for you. But technically, this is mostly a mental thing. You might look at a puddle and find its reason for you while someone else might look at the same puddle and find its reason for them. Or finding something symbolic could inspire you to do something that will benefit others by your action that they will interpret a reason for, for them. Yeah,  it gets confusing. But sometimes you just have to lay outside on grass and stare at the sky and think. Sometimes I think so much I literally get a headache. I question everything that science brings. They have no true evidence for anything. But of course, I go along with the whole science thing. Because I have to for school. I've learned to adapt to the school standards stuff without changing the way I think. Like how books are labeled fiction, nonfiction, fantasy, etc. To me. that's all options. Just because those stupid scientists haven't seen unicorns before doesn't mean they don't exist. Scientists can be so stuck-up. Yeah I know I will probably be a scientist when I grow up but I won't be like that. Hopefully I'll follow through with this kind of things. Opinions interest me. And so does, obviously, how each person's brain thinks differently.

But I've gotten side tracked. It happens a lot.


So all in all, if you haven't gotten the point yet, there is a reason behind every little thing in this world. To me, the reasons are a lot of the time just like to make me smile and remember to appreciate the little things. Like when I saw this dog that was overly happy to see me, it was 14 years old and had the amazing energy of a puppy. That dog made me smile. The smile could have been it's purpose/reason.
Also, part of this whole way of thinking is just part of how I like to remain optimistic. Sometimes this optimism kills me in ways but it brought me this far, didn't it? I'm happy with my life and I hate complaining. People can just sit around in a giant pit of self-pity and complaints, or they can get up and do something with their life.

One of my favorite quotes (I'm crazy about good quotes) "There are times in life when, instead of complaining, you do something about your complaints." ~Rita Dove.
This is partially how I became to notice and appreciate the reasons for everything more. I was tired of complaining, I wanted to do something productive. That's just who I am.


Thank you for taking the time to read all of this, your lazyness should never overcome your will power to learn.

The difference between WHY and HOW

Hi,

I created this blog because I was inspired by justlittlethings.net to make a nice kinda inspirational blog that is kind of about my life. Except not. So all my life, I have been bothered by the difference between why and how. To me HOOW means that like the science-ish stuff behind something, yet WHHYY is the reasonnn in the worldddd. Most people don't understand this way of thinking, but I do. I think differently than most people I think. It's a little hard to explain but once you get it, life will be....better. Science won't kill you. 

For example: there is a difference between How is the pizza hot and why  is the pizza hot. The how version's answer in my mind would be because it was in the microwave or something like that.  While the why version's answer would be because I don't like cold pizza.  Get it? That one was a bit complicated. Try this one, it's easier to see the difference. 

how am I here on earth 

why am I here on earth

see the difference?

Now this way of thinking kinda makes things harder for me in the long-run. Like at school. Tons of homework, essay, and test questions include the words why or how. In that case I just have to interpret how my teacher would think. And as you can see, this gets difficult. I had this one teacher whose brain thought completely differently than mine and I struggled with her tests. Luckily, I was eventually able to figure out how she thinks and how she wants the questions answered and how she interprets the questions, so I got an A in the class. Which is expected out of me. 

So all in all, why is my favorite question. It makes me think, why am I here? Why do the leaves change? Now how do the leaves change..it's why. What is the reason for the leaves to change colors.  IT's all different. You can try to get all this and understand, I just want to share how I think. The why's are important, because everything happens for a reason, no matter how strange the reason is.