Yesterday

Hi,

  I guess it all started when I was little. I kept to myself. I didn't live in reality. I lived in my imagination. To tell the truth, my best friends are still my imaginary friends, even though I have real  friends too. I cried, but I only cried silently. I didn't want people to see my struggles. I've always tried to be a great person, to live up to my name that my perfect mother and two perfect older sisters share with me. I did what teachers said to do, I didn't get in trouble, I guess I was smart too, I followed the rules, and I was tying to be a nice person. But I didn't live like everyone else did, I have always seen the world differently, as I have said before. But I kept it all balled up inside. 

     And I still do. I also have stress issues. But nobody knows, except a few of my friends that have experienced my freak outs.
     People either really liked me or really hated me in elementary school. Maybe I was too happy, too "perfect." They didn't like it. Somehow, when I'm "perfect" everybody hates me, yet Ashly is perfect, and everybody loves her. All the girls like feel like they have to be her friend... and all of the guys like her! She's one of my best friends. But it's hard to hang out with her because... sometimes it's like a line to get to her, and it causes me to leave my traditional friends. 

    Well anyway, I kept it all in. Again, I would cry, but only silently. My parents knew nothing. I have never really told them anything so it would be weird all of the sudden telling them now. I keep to myself. 

      But that's what kills me. Nobody really knows me and that's why I'm struggling, I keep it all in and that's why I'm hurting. I'm trying to be tough and not be affected by life's evilness, but it gets packed up in my soul. It keeps piling and piling up. 

       When school started, eighth grade, I was super excited. But then I got really depressed, the guy I had liked for a year was becoming way out my my league and causing my so much sadness, the stress was piling, and everything was going wrong. I just wasn't happy. Three of my best friends are perfect. (Alanna, Lexi, and Ashly) Alanna crushes my dreams somehow or another, not even on purpose. If I like photography, she's five times better at it than me, I study hard for tests and get a good grade, and she doesn't even study and gets an even better grade. It wasn't fair. 

     By the day before yesterday, I would call myself a tree about to fall over, a tree that has been chopped and chopped and chopped at until its holding on by just one thread, struggling to survive. All I needed was a little blow of the wind to knock me over. And that's what happened yesterday. 

     I had my presentation in front of my basic Ed class yesterday, I had been stressing and freaking out about it all day; my nails looked like old people from my constant biting. I was already stressed because of Jeffrey and how much I like him, and because of Alanna and Ashly and how perfect they are. I walked into seventh period and then started to stress out even more, I was sweating, rubbing my hands together, and breathing hard. And then it was my turn to go. I had been meaning to ask the teacher if I could time myself so I know where I'm at so I can stay in the time limit but I didn't get the chance. So I was stupid and asked her while I was standing in the front of the room, before my speech; everyone heard. Mrs. G thought and then said "we'll no because you should have practiced it more" in a totally smirky way, just enough for the whole class to go "oohhhhhh!!" Including Jeffrey. 

    That was all it took. It was as simple as that. I felt my face turn red, I pushed back all of the words flooding through my brain, I wanted to say that I had, in fact, practiced all night, and I was just over-stressing about the time limit and I wanted to make sure. But I couldn't speak, I was afraid I'd cry.
     Before I knew it Mrs. G said "ready set go" and I began my speech with a stutter. It started out okay, but about halfway through talking about my stuffed unicorn and how it represented my past, I tensed up. I started shaking. I felt like I was about to cry. I could barely speak. I pushed through and kept talking, my voice displaying my fear and emotions, everything I had held back about to come out. While I switched from  my present to future for my speech, I took a deep breath, I needed to get through this, I needed a good grade. So I finished talking about my deep and symbolic item to represent my future. I was shaking still, a little harder than before. 

     Everyone clapped. I grabbed my stuff and sat down. I could have been okay, my speech was fine, I could have just sat down, smiled, and said thank you to all the people that said I did a good job. But that's not how it worked. 

     I sat down. Nick looked at me. Sarah looked at me. Alice looked at me. Celeste looked at me. Alanna looked at me. Sophie looked at me. Nathan looked at me, everyone looked at me. I can't stand having everyone in my face like that. "You did a good job! That was good! Blah blah blah! Beh Bleh Bleh!" That's all I heard. Then I started to freak out. I was shaking really hard. I denied all of their comments and suddenly remembered all of the "umm.."'s that were in my speech. I could hear my shaky and nervous voice from me speech like it was replaying in my head to haunt me. I did terrible was all I was thinking. Then I felt my eyes well up. The world was crashing down. I wanted to be alone. I wanted everyone to just go away. People think they're being a good person when they get up in a sad persons face and are all like "making it better" by saying nice things or asking if they're okay. And then everyone was doing that. And I fought back the tears that I've been holding in for years, I held back the emotion that I've been hiding for forever, I held it all back. But my red eyes and shaky body were still there. I hoped and prayed that Jeffrey didn't see me like this. 

    The next person stared their speech, I tried to get better. I wanted to go home. I needed to be alone. I just wanted everyone to get out of my face. The bell rang. I gathered my stuff and walked outside, ignoring my friends. I was supposed to go to Mr. Anellas room (my student government and leadership teacher for ASB) to get some stuff to help out with the assembly eighth period. Ashly was supposed to go too. I hoped she left without me so I could run in the bathroom and cry, but I was feeling okay. Haha, like that was supposed to last.

     Outside the classroom, I was bombarded with people asking if I was okay, I just wanted everyone to go away, I sped away from them, running into Alanna. She was being all nice and motherly and perfect and hugged me and asked what's wrong, I broke down crying. I fell apart. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. She hugged me, kissed my forehead and motioned me to the bathroom. My friends were waiting for me but I ran inside the safety of the restroom. Someone else was in there but I didn't care. I locked myself in a stall and cried for thirty seconds. Then I walked out, sighed at the sight of my red eyes, and speed-walked to Mr. Anella's room. When I finally got there, he was talking to Ashly, and he stopped when he saw me. I was holding a ton of stuff in my hands and trying to cover my face and my quivering body. He motioned Ashly away and took me outside. This freaked me out even more. 

   My eyes filled with more tears, my body seemed to be trying to shake out all of the emotions I had balled up inside me. 

   "Are you okay?" He asked. I smiled and said I was. I held it all back again, while it was pouring out of my body. It was literally scary how much I was shaking. He asked again because he wasn't convinced, he said that I could talk to him and trust him. I almost did. I said I was okay. I wasn't okay. "Are you sure because your eyes are filled with tears and you're literally shaking..." Sometimes I feel like I want to go back to this moment and tell the truth. Sometimes I wish that he could have been someone I could trust. But I can't. I said I was sure I was okay. I would trust him, but he's an adult. They're all the same. He would probably send me to the counselors and then the counselors would call my parents. And then my parents would know. So I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him anything. Trust no one. 

     I will always remember that moment. Standing there, tears streaming down my face, my whole body shaking intensely, yet I insisted that I was fine. I tried to calm myself down for my Ashly's sake. I was quiet and sad but I kept it together. Until I got home.     I was lucky. I had the whole day home alone. So I had the whole day to cry. 

     I got home, put my stuff down, inspected every room of the house to make sure nobody was home, and then I cried. I cried harder than I've cried in years. I cried into pillows, I cried at the ceiling, I cried on the couch, I cried on my bed, I cried standing up. I cried for a half and hour. I had fallen. I was broken. I was completely drained. The wind had blown and I tipped over. Everything. I just fell apart. 
    After the thirty minutes I stopped and ate some ice cream. Than I cried for fifteen more minutes. Than Alanna came over. She didn't know I'd been crying. We did some homework and laughed some and at ice cream. Then she left and I laid on the grass and stared at the clouds. I felt better, but I still went inside and cried some more. My mom texted me and asked how was school. While tears streamed down my face, I texted back that it was good. I cried harder.  

    But you know how sometimes when trees fall, they lay down seeds for more trees to grow? Well I think that's how it is. I'm still going strong and I'm going to be okay now. My legs are still moving, I've let it all out. I'm growing back and I have a fresh start, I can do anything now.