First time

As you know, I've never been in a relationship, and I still have a hopeless crush on a blue-eyed-boy named Jeffrey. But I danced with a boy for the first time. I danced with a boy! Eek!
My friend Celeste invited me to a Mormon church dance. I'm not religious, but my best friend Alanna is Mormon, so I've literally grown up with Mormon families and been to Mormon one-piece swimming, modest Mormon activities, etc. I could say a Mormon prayer correctly by now.
And it's pretty cool.  So the modesty part of the Mormon dance was fine for me. I wore an off-white lacy dress with a white cardigan and black leggings. My parents are used to the Mormon stuff too. So it shouldn't have been an issue that the dance ended at 11, but it was. So there I was, asking Celeste's dad to pick us up at ten instead. So we had, what, an hour and a half?
   So we got there and I went into a room where a man talked about how there's no inappropriate dancing and such. Then we went into this gym type place in the church. It was dark and there were colorful lights and loud music. What Celeste didn't know was that, the dance was supposed to be casual. So we stood awkwardly in our dresses with everyone around us in jeans. It was okay though. It was dark.
      The first slow song was playing when we walked in. We watched Hayley dance with Andy for the last five seconds, and then if was done. Yeaas. I thought. I think I avoided the slow dance that Celeste has been waiting for. I was relieved. I had never danced with a boy before and had no idea how. I always watched people dance, wondering what it felt like to have a boys hand on their waist.
    Poor Celeste was disappointed, of course, that we missed the slow song but as I sighed with relief, she told me that there would be more slow songs. Dang it. 
    She had told me that she had danced with cute guys before at dances, but none of them had actually asked her, she had asked them. I hoped someone would ask her. After a while of fast songs, the dreaded slow song came in. Celeste and I walked up to Hayley so we could help her find Andy.
     "I usually walk the perimeter until someone asks me,"she said after we couldn't find Andy. So after nervously standing around for a while when nobody asked us, we started to walk a little. Hayley got asked by a short cute boy, suiting her.
     "Okay so if one of us gets asked it's okay and the other will keep looking for another one," Celeste said as we looked around. We passed by a group of tall attractive guys. One caught my eye, looked away, and then back again. I wasn't sure if I was conscious or not so we kept strolling.
     "Would you like to dance?" I started blankly for a second. Celeste nudged me. He was beautiful. It was dark but I think he was dirty blonde, perfect height, pretty. I had no idea what to do.
     "Uhm yes,"I replied awkwardly. I hope he knows what he's doing.
     "I have no idea how to do this," he said with a laugh as we awkwardly figured our arms. After observing other dancers we figured it out, my hand on his shoulder, his on my waist. We were both so awkward. I loved it. It was a weird sensation to have his hand on my waist. Don't judge me but that's the one thing that I've seen in movies and cartoons and real life and always wanted to experience. I didn't feel skinny, I was sucking it in the whole time haha. But it was magical. We talked, it was loud but I think he said his name was Andreas. I kept smiling and looking at my feet. I felt him smiling down at me. It wasn't perfect, but I liked it. He asked if I was Mormon, I said I wasn't. He seemed disappointed, which turned me off. But I was still lost in his beautiful awkwardness.
     In the middle of this amazing ness, I looked over at Celeste. She was making that face that she makes when she's disappointed. Nobody had asked her. Poor Celeste. I looked back up at Andreas. He was so cute. But I have to do this.
     "Could you do me a favor and ask my friend Celeste to dance?" He seemed disappointed, but he took him hand off my waist and I thanked him as he walked to the girl I pointed to. I stayed back while he asked her, but the song ended right after she said yes. I went up to her, she was all excited.
    "I got asked for the next slow dance!" I smiled, and yayed. She didn't know I asked him to ask her. I didn't have time to be worried about that, I was still lost. I danced with a boy. I danced with a HIT boy!!!
      The next slow song, we walked to find Andreas, and as I watched him take her away, one of his friends asked me. Wait. Did another guy just ask me to dance? What? Maybe I'm not going to die alone! He was tall. Blonde. Not as beautiful, but still cute. I felt amazing. I was dancing with a boy... I felt pretty.


We left at ten thirty and I was still twiterpated. Celeste was happy that she had been "asked" by someone. And I felt a little guilty but...I think it's okay. She's happy.

Let's clear things up

I was reading back at my old posts...and my goodness I cried. It was a real slap in the face to see how dramatic and distressed I was. I will say that, now, I am definitely better. So seriously don't worry about me. I stopped cutting and I still don't feel too great about myself, but I'm okay. I have more explaining to do on this topic but I'd rather talk about other things.

Fairy watching

"What's this for?" She anxiously awaited my answer with her finger remaining pointing at the mysteriously shaped object atop the ladder; a handle. Her awkward little voice wasn't like most little girl's were, she lacked the stereotypical high pitched baby sounds. It sounds almost like mine did when I was her age, five or so. Snapping back from my deep thinking, I noticed my little cousin with her small finger still pointed at the mysterious object, but I'm pretty sure her right arm got tired from this and she switched to her left for the pointing while my mind wandered.
      "Umm..that's a handle" I replied after shaking my brain back to reality. She nodded as if she knew what a handle was.
      "What does it do?" Gosh why do little children ask so many questions.
      "It helps you keep your balance, here climb up and hold onto the handle to pull yourself to the top  when you get there," I carefully spotted her while she climbed up, grabbing the handle.  The small wooden make-shift ladder creaked as she ascended, the treehouse has seen better days. I practically grew up in here...
      She seemed nervous around me, were only cousins, but we've spent a lot of time together. My mind flew away again as she asked me more questions. It's been so long since I've been up here...all of the memories. I shivered and looked up to see her walking to the treehouse's little window. It's basically just a rectangular cut out in the wood.
     "What's this for?" Her large blue eyes seemed to be filled with question marks. How come I didn't get the family's blue eyes? I look out the window, my eyes start to well up.
     "Zoe, this is a window. This is a window for your imagination. Look out this window, and you can see everything. You can see  all of the animals in your kingdom, even all of the fairies. At first, she looked at me like I was crazy, as if it was already uncool for a five year old to  have an imagination. I look down at the handmade floor. My daddy spent a lot of time making this.
     "I see a fairy." She said. I looked up with a tear dropping off my chin. She looked out the window like I did when I was young and innocent.  "she has red wings,"  my heart melted. This tree houses legacy can carry on.
     "Where?" My emotionally damaged voice asked. She pointed with her little finger again.
   

Running away

I'm not sure what to do. I feel *this* close to running away into he canyon, just being alone. I'm just done with all this crap of these people, all their lies. I'm tied of myself, tired of school. I mean it's so terrible how school has become a depressing place. I cut. My best guy friend cuts. Some of my other friends do, too. None of them know that I do though. None of them really care about me. 

     I packed my bag today. All it needs is a flashlight and food and it's complete. I have money, clothes, a headlight, a blanket, a stuffed animal, a journal, and pens. I don't think I'm going to actually take my bag and go, but for some reason packing it helped me a bit. 

    I almost felt the canyon lour me in tonight. I was going to my friends house but I walked in the canyon. I stopped after a while and looked around. "This could be it," I said to myself. "No". 

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder. What did I do wrong? I might not understand for a while. But then mind tells me, "everything". I did it all wrong. I want to start over. I want to be closer to my sisters, my parents, I wish I had real friends that could see under my bracelets as my smiles, someone that understands me. I want the scars to go away before people will see my insecurities as they're left on my arm and leg. I want to be smart, I want to be pretty. I wish I never quit softball. I want to be happy. I want to be optimistic and shiny. I want to be the girl that everyone wants to be, I want to be inspirational. I was to make the world have a new perspective. 

I want to change. 

Have to watch this

This had made me cry endlessly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

I wasn't crying just because I wouldn't see sarah for a long time. I was cryin because seeing someone like her cry like that breaks my heart. I was crying because I had been holding it back for days, weeks, months. I was crying because Jeffrey would never like me. I was crying because Alanna is always so much better. I was crying because I didn't get a medal in anything for Science Olympiad. I was crying because I've been taking that event for three years and I still didn't finish the freaking test and of course I didn't place. I was crying because Ashly is so perfect. I was crying because Celeste was wearing Josh's jacket. I was crying because life is a lie. I was crying because I'm tired of saying that I'm okay. I was crying because I couldn't take it anymore. I was crying because Nick was trying to comfort me. I was crying because Jeffrey didn't even seem to give a shit about sarah and I crying. I was crying because I'm just done.