Reality check

Hi,

  Often I am struck by a reality check. It's like this giant shock that happens after you get caught off guard. Like when I was being crazy and not sucking in my blubber like I usually do at pool parties and someone called me fat. Twice. Once behind my back and another time in front of everyone. That led to many teary sleepless nights. But that's the past. And this is the present. So to avoid these reality checks, I try to always stay on guard. Always know that people will be judging me. Which is why I never judge people. I try to always soak everything in and be completely aware of where I am and what's going on. I try not to be crazy or weird or look stupid. 

     So I was at my friends bat mitzvah yesterday. Food, loud music, signing, dancing, people, adults, and ice cream all mixed together is almost a guaranteed fatal reality check. So I was always aware          . It was good, everything was going fine, I was watching my back. 

     Buuut all in all, I was holding back. I wasn't being me. I was so afraid of being judged or criticized that I was completely different. We were on the dance floor and all of the sudden I stopped dancing. I looked at the disco lights. The loud speakers. The DJ. The dancing lady. The handmade dance floor. I looked at my friends, I looked at the way they were just dancing, the way they weren't holding back, while I was trying to absorb it all and mentally and mathematically think of a plan of survival. I was thinking too much about it all, I was in the wrong perspective. I was stuck in the present, stuck in earth as a literal thing. Stuck the literal way where I saw it all. Everyone else had just let go. They weren't in the literal state I was in, they weren't stuck. 

      So I learned something at the first bat  mitzvah I've ever been to. Kind of a life lesson. I won't completely let my guard down, but I need to let go sometimes and get out of the literal way I see the world. I need to be free, fly gracefully, fly in a way that only I can fly.