Recently I've been talking to this guy a lot(gmailchat) and he is kind of depressed. I consider him a friend, because I like to consider everyone my friend...everyone may not consider me a friend but that's their decision(: So I've been trying to help him in every way shape or form possible this summer, we've even video chatted because he "needed to really talk to someone". Well yeah, there are a lot of things that I want to say, but I don't want to say anything that will make it worse or be hurtful to him, so I carefully pick out what I'm going to say. This takes a lot of effort, but some drive inside of me makes me do it. I don't like him (ya know) but I just can't help but... Want to help him. The only confusing thing about this is that this is a guy. And I usually deal with depressed girls, not depressed guys. Girls pretend like they're okay, but sometimes they post things on social media like hinting that they're not okay, in my opinion it's looking for attention and getting sympathy or it's a good way to let others know how you really feel, so they really know you. It really depends on tons of circumstances to tell if its good or bad. But that's what girls do. Or they play the whole "I'm fine" game. That statement will 99%of the time mean that they are not fine. I feel like saying those words automatically means that they're telling you that they aren't. It's like this amazing secret code between us girls. Girls also may deny it, but they at least want someone there, who cares, someone to talk to that checks up on them, that sais "hi" first.
But that's girls. I have no clue what guys are like. Do they want someone to be there? Is it awkward if its a girl? Do they want someone to at least try to help them? What is it like? Of course, I've learned a bunch about this stuff from him now. But I'm still confused. Basically, I've been supposing he wants kind of what a girl wants, I say hi a lot and ask him how he is doing just about everyday. I type up little inspirational speeches at least twice a week. I tell him that I'm still trying because I care.
But it isn't going well.
He tells me I'm wasting my time, that nothing will work. He even refuses to read the paragraphs upon paragraphs of inspiration and motivation and such that I've written. Well I guess you can lead a horse to water... But you can't make it drink. He keeps telling me to stop trying, like he's mad at me. I feel bad, but something inside me makes me keep trying. Doesn't he want someone to at least care? And then the next day he tells me stuff like "thank you for all you've done to help me" and the day after that he's telling me to stop again. I feel annoying, pestering, up in his business. This has nothing to do with me, why do I just have to get myself involved? I just can't stop, I can't stand seeing a person feeling like this. It just breaks my heart. Every time he tells me to stop, I just have to keep trying, something inside of me is refusing to give up on this person. But maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm making it worse. Maybe I'm just giving him the sympathy and help that I never got. But that was because I didn't tell anyone until Liza. But that's another story.
So all in all, I know this post is nothing compared to my last one (read it!) but it's just something that's been on my mind. Something is just making me not give up on this person. This must be happening for a reason, maybe this is a test for me. I think I'm fighting an inner battle to figure out if I am doin the right thing not giving up, or if I'm being nosy and annoying and up in his business. I guess we'll see. It's not as dramatic as I may make it seem, but how you interpret all I say is personalized to you. Think and find symbolism in everyday life. Help other people out, be the person that is always there for everyone, and don't forget to look after yourself too.
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