Ugh

I don't know what to do. 

Looking forward

In basic Ed on Friday my teacher showed us this documentary about Toms shoes and, you know, they're one-for-one program. It showed the guys on their journey of giving out the shoes in the third-world country. They went through so much to get there and they got down and dirty for the cause. I cried while watching it because I want to be like that.

    I want to be known. I want to change the world. I want me parents to be proud of me. But I look around and my teacher asked for people to share times they've helped out in such a way an I hear all of the great things that my classmates have done. I felt... Pointless. I haven't song anything. I wanted to do something. Something inside me yearned for it, not the credit. 

       But what to do? I could travel the world and educate children! Or I could be like Oprah. Or I could 

Oh my gosh. Aksijdjskakxnd ill continue this post later but life just got really complicated in the past five seconds....... 

Images

      Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder is that really me? It never feels right. I look into my own brown eyes and wonder, I stare at my unpropitious face and feel like its someone else. Not someone else, more like something else. Sometimes I feel like our souls and our bodies are completely different, barely even connected. 

     Our appearances are like masks, the first glimpse of a person is just their mask, and we judge each other just by these first glimpses. It's how we work. It's instinctive. But sometimes we have to  let go of society and find what's under everyone's masks, who they truly are.  

      At this point in life one's appearance is important to them, they want to look nice. In middle school your compared and judged and challenged in so many ways, but most of it is completely internal. It's all about your perspective on life. At some point in life you'll realize that what you think is oh so important now, like if you look pretty or if you wear Abercrombie clothes or if you're a size zero, it all really isn't all that important. People need to open their eyes and see the big picture. They need to realize that your body is fake. Your heart and soul are what you are. Your general body and appearance are trapping your soul in. They limit you, make you think twice. Appearance is just another test you'll face in life, take off your mask and show what you really are to everyone, show your soul, show them something that they've never seen before. Break the chain of society. 

Changed

It's kind of crazy to think about how much I've changed. Not that I used to be shy or anything but this year I've been saying hi to everyone I see even if I don't know them, so maybe I'll know them by the end of the year. I also shout to everyone after school to have a great day. It makes me hAppy. But also, I used to have glasses and bad teeth. Then braces. And short, thick knotted brown hair. Then I got contacts, grew my hair out, got side bangs, and my braces off. But was it all the right thing to do? 

    I feel like I'm trying too hard. And still not succeeding. I don't really know what it is that I don't have I guess it's just everything. I'll never be like them popular kids. Them obnoxious popular girls. 

     Emma Ford. Google her and you'll probably already see why. She's been on tv shows and all that, but she's super popular and obnoxiously gorgeous. She has perfect blonde hair that she flawlessly brushes back constantly with her hand and it still looks perfect. She's pretty smart and I think athletic. She's pretty much a typical popular girl, and I used to despise her. 

    It wasn't until this year that I realized that most of the hating was from jealousy. I mean of course, she's perfect. They all are. I was standing in the lunch line alone because nick was following me and I was in a bad mood so I shoo'd him away. Then a perfect popular girl got in the other line next to me with her perfect popular friend. They seemed to finger brush their hair back at the same time perfectly like Emma. One of them was wearing a mini skirt and one of those annoying tops from tillys that I could never fit into. The other girl was wearing short shorts and probably an Abercrombie top that was obviously meant to be a belly shirt but somehow dem middle school populars make it somewhat acceptable for dress code yet really sexy it's inna-pro-pro. Both of them should have gotten dress-coded because their bottoms were too short and their tops weren't right. But they stood there and gossiped like dem populars do and looked perfect. I felt stupid and ugly and fat standing next to them with their Barbie sized bodies. They were standing (more like posing) in their sexy expensive stylish outfits, and I was standing (slouching) in my loose denim shorts and raider-pride black t-shirt. It kind of made me mad. But I guess that's just how it is. 

       Dem popular girls seem to have everything. Boyfriends, money, attractiveness, perfect hair, etc. But is that really everything? No-sir-ee. Sure they're hair still looks perfect in a seemingly effortless ponytail that stays in place the whole PE period while I have to wear two headbands and three hair ties to hold this hunk of poop called hair back for running and it still looks terrible. Sure things seem so much easier for them. Sure everybody wants to be them. But does it all really matter? It doesn't. They need to get their priorities straight. 

       After a bit of thought waiting in the lunch line next to dem popular girls, I just sighed at their gossiping and smiled to myself, I was taking life in day by day and enjoying the ride; I was happy. That's all that's important for now. I don't need all that dem popular girls got. I'm okay just the way it all is for me now. 

Softball

I used to play softball. I started as a little T-baller when I was super little. I used to watch my sister and the bigger kids play and I knew that I didn't want to go that far. It was so intense and scary. But I kind of did. 

    As you already know, I have stress issues. I might have anxiety issues too, but I don't know for sure. I've always been a really emotional person, sometimes commercials that are sad make me cry. But I would also cry a lot during softball, I was just scared. What if I messed up and caused the team to lose? 

     But I kept going, my parents thought I loved it and were mostly just annoyed at how I would be battling tears when I made a mistake. I grew up with this sport, I know everything about it, and I was good at it. My best softball friend was the coaches daughter and our dads were co coaches and friends. Sydney and I had been friends sense preschool, were awesome buddies. She grew out of it, but she used to be kind of mean, bad talking people including me. I have some bad stories from those dang softball girls. I might as well tell you one. 

    Selanie. That was her name. She was one of Sydney's best friends. I never really understood her. Well we met probably when I was... Ten. I wasn't particularly attractive back then, not that I think I am now. I had a huge (literally huge) gap between my teeth, thick, tangled hair,  a mustache(I have a pretty hairy family), and ears that stick out a little too much ( it runs in the family, my dad and my cousins had to get surgery for it). So all in all, I was an ugly little kid. Selanie thought it was funny or maybe she didn't understand how such a small statement could rot in my brain for all eternity and cause so many tears. It was simple stuff like "why do you have such anoticeable  mustache?" And "why is there a weird gap between your teeth?" And such. And then it got worse, I hear her say something like or about me in a bad way to Sydney, my friend, and Sydney and selanie looked at me and laughed. 

    But that's behind me. And so are other softball memories. Like all of the strikeouts and the crying, the mistakes I made at shortstop, and all of the great things that I did. Before I knew it I was on all stars. I was mostly outfield but I lived it out there, in all stars that's where the ball was mostly hit. 

     I remember playing right field at states, we needed to win this game to go to nationals. The score was close, last inning, they were up to bat. And then all of the sudden someone hit a ball to shallow right field, the girl on third base ran home, nobody expected is catch it. I sprinted to the ball, it was one Of those zen moments. When you play a sport so long it becomes like a reflex, and then sometime in it you reach a point where you go through it in slow motion, you're almost unconscious, it just happens. It's really hard to describe. But I almost dove for it, it was in my glove and I needed to keep it there so I collapsed and rolled on the ground, hugging my glove to my body. The girl that was running home ran back to third base, I stood up all in one beautiful motion from my roll and I threw the ball home, perfect throw to the catcher, stopping a run from being scored. That was one of the best moments of my life. Sometimes I wish I didn't quit.

     Yeah, sometimes if was good, but other times it was bad. I couldn't take the pressure anymore, we were getting older and it was getting tougher, more intense, the coaches would count the errors in each game. Three was too many. I wanted it to be fun but it wasn't. I was so afraid to fail that I gave up. I left all of the countless friends I had made, all of the countless memories made. Why did I give it up. 

   It's too late to join back up, and I don't know if I can take it, I got worse in my afraid to fail sense. What I'm trying to tell you it that don't let anything hold you back. You truly can follow your dreams and do whatever you want to. Never give up. 

What makes me happy

You know, I'm kind of done with the whole "hi" in the beginning and " so all in all" at the end. I'd assume it gets annoying. So today ill start off with this:

Hello beautiful person(:

  There are so many things that make me happy. Countless, infinite, things. But there are a few main things. 

One thing is the sky. Sometimes the sky makes me sad though, it can make me cry. But anyway, ever sense I was little, I would fly. I was able to soar through the sky without wings, I just had a gift. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world; I mean don't you just ever look at the clouds and want to be up there. Don't you see the beauty and the mystery that lies above them? It is amazing. The best feeling in the whole Entire world. 

      But the only thing is, my gift of flight doubles as a gift of imagination. I literally lived in my imagination as a kid. It was my life, it seemed completely real like I never faced reality, maybe that's why it kills me now. Stupid reality. But I still have it, mostly. My imagination keeps me going, and so does the sky. I can just lay down and stare at the sky for forever, I can dream or being up there, sometimes it makes me cry because I want it so bad. Everyday, as a kid I used to come home in reality and  run into my room and leap as if I were about to fly and land on my bed, sometimes I felt I was flying. I thought that if I did that everyday, someday, maybe someday I could truly fly. I haven't really gotten there yet. 

      Going back to my main topic, the sky makes me happy, it calms me down, it helps me. Somehow I know that someday I will fly. I don't know how. But I will. I just love it so much, it's like endless, limitless, simply beautiful.

     But a ton of things make me happy. Like just happpiness in general. I love being happy and making other people happy. I love it when I am not afraid of people judging me and I just let go and have so much fun. Sometimes I like to say "Everyone here as already judged me! What have I got to lose?!"  And so I am just trying to be amazing. I"m trying to be nice to everybody, even the people I don't know. For ASB sometimes we go around at lunch and sit with kids who are alone. I love meeting people that way, and then I get to say hi to them around school. It makes me happy(:
    As an eighth grader. I feel free. There is no one above me that will judge me, so I'm all good! I can do whatever I want! Mostly....... Everyday I like to smile and say hi to everyone I see... even if I don't know them. It's really fun. They either smile or it creeps them out. Hehe. Sometimes when I walk into classrooms I say hello! and good morning! To everyone(: It's nice. It may seem like I'm conceited and thinking that I'm so amazing, but I'm just doing this because it makes me happy. During PE my friends and I are totally crazy. Everyone is like staring at us while we randomly do out "secret row clap" and umi goggles. And all I have to do is say triscut and Kristen dies of laughter. After PE I say hi to everyone and walking out of school I yell "hello!" or "bye!" and "have a great day" or something. Nobody really cares now, but maybe people will like it and say hi back and maybe I'll make people smile(: I am just taking life day by day, enjoying it and trying to make a difference everywhere I go.

"The trail you leave behind you is more important than the path ahead of you" -O'conner

         Lots of things make me happy(: Embrace all of the things that do the same to you(: